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Cutting through the phoney: After Birth by Elisa Albert

2/4/2015

14 Comments

 
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I think I, ah, sort of lost my mind this year?

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, he says finally. I think a lot of women go through that.

What, abandon their dissertations?

Lose their minds. Having a kid.

It’s a year now since Walker was born, and Ari is still struggling. Most days, the baby goes to a childminder so she can go through the motions of working on her dissertation, about how feminist organisations implode (p46) and even her supervisor is beginning to see through the façade (p22):

There’s a curt email from Marianne about the dissertation. How is the thinking coming?

… Does Marianne actually think I’m working on my dissertation? Does she think I give a flying fuck about my dissertation? It’s all I can do to bathe occasionally, keep the house reasonably tidy, feed us, launder, get some sleep …

Your creative energy is being utilised elsewhere, a kindly massage therapist informed me as pregnancy wore on …

So the dissertation thing is pretty much a lie. You need an identity, some interest and occupation outside of having a kid, you just do. Otherwise the kid has to be your sole interest and occupation, and we all know how that works out for everyone.

Her partner, Paul, busy at work, Ari is lonely, exhausted and isolated (p55):

It’s always that way with periods of crisis: people you expect and want to be there for you are incapable and/or unwilling, and others you never imagined would be there for you show up with exactly what you need, exactly how you need it. And there is almost no way, alas, no way at all, to predict which people will be which.

Crispin and Jerry, the friends she’s relied on, having upped sticks to Europe, Ari retreats into herself, masking her despair with a veneer of angry cynicism. She’s impatient with the group of mothers who like her, have had surgical deliveries (p24-5); finds the earth-mother types of another group “a chore” (p27). She equates her father and his wife’s identification with grandparenthood to their identification with their Jewish heritage (p38-9):

They relish grandparenthood, or some projection of grandparenthood, like they relish a shortlist of life’s offerings: fundraisers of every stripe, anything to do with the Holocaust, whatever’s showing at the Jewish Museum, grossly overdressing for rousing High Holiday sermons in which they are beseeched to solve world Jewry’s problems, past and present, by sending money to Israel and voting Republican if it comes down to it.

I wonder if she’d be equally dismissive of Rebecca’s photographs of domestic disorder that have made her a feminist icon in Still Life with Bread Crumbs (or find solidarity in the problem of the raccoon in the attic – although Ari’s turns out to be only a squirrel).

So cynical is she, I doubt she’d appreciate my linking her current difficulties to ambivalence about her own mother, a cold and angry “bitch from hell” (p48) who died of cancer (triggered by “a lady-specific medical drug” (p44) her own mother had taken to prevent miscarriage) when Ari was twelve. Even when I acknowledge the sociopolitical factors – the conspiracy of silence around the trauma of childbirth and the failure of capitalism to accommodate the conflicting motivations of mothers to be everything to their babies while needing to keep their place in the adult world of work – I could imagine her rolling her eyes. Like Anna Bentz in Hausfrau, (my review coming soon but see here Clare O’Dea’s) the more alienated the lack of the right kind of support makes her, the less amenable she’d be to any kind of help.

Yet Ari is not completely devoid of hope. She looks for her salvation, not like Anna in sex, but in sisterhood, when she develops an obsession with the pregnant woman who is renting her friends’ house. It works for a while, Elisa saving herself through saving Mina (to the extent of breastfeeding Mina’s baby when Mina herself is struggling with the technique – not sure if that would be classed as a spoiler, except that it was an article on that very subject that first drew my attention to the novel).

I imagine that After Birth is the kind of novel that would divide readers. There’s a lot of anger and not a great deal of plot and, at times, Ari seems to drift towards (for perfectly valid reasons) self-pity. But in the end, I wanted to applaud her quest for authenticity, her willingness to expose uncomfortable truths. As she says of a childhood friend she admired, Ari doesn’t employ “some manufactured version of herself as full-time press agent for the real self” (p146), not caring who she might offend in reclaiming the word motherfucker for the abuse of women’s bodies in general and in the over-medicalisation of childbirth in particular. Each time I read something that made me feel uncomfortable, I was reminded of the research that suggests that we are actually more, not less, realistic when we are depressed.

Not all of us will be mothers, but we’ve all had mothers, and the well-being or otherwise of our mothers in those early years impacts significantly on our own sense of a secure place in the world. In the end, in advocating for mothers, Ari is advocating for babies (p188):

These tiny people, they’re not about you. They are not for you. They do not belong to you. They’re under your care, is all, and it’s your job to work at being a decent human being, love them well and a lot, don’t put your problems on them, don’t make your problems their problems, don’t use them to occupy empty parts of yourself.

In advocating for babies, she is advocating for the future of us all. Thank you Chatto and Windus for my review copy. Now, let’s hear what you think!

Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you think. If you've enjoyed this post, you might like to sign up via the sidebar for regular email updates and/or my quarterly Newsletter.
14 Comments
Charli Mills
2/4/2015 03:25:20 pm

I love the complexities and truths that emerge from the snippets you've shared in this review. I understand those "empty spaces." They can occur with life transitions -- move to a new area, death of parents, children grown (empty nest), job transitions. At times I've felt jilted by close friends who have become grandmothers because our friendships gave way to babies. My grown children each decided not to have children and I'm fine with that. I've filled my own empty spaces with creative pursuits. Yet friends tell me I'm missing out, as if it were my choice to be a grandparent. Or when meeting people and they learn that my children are grown, the natural progression is to ask if I have grandchildren. Then they tell me my children will change their minds. I can understand a female character driven by anger over society's expectations of our roles whether we do or do not parent. Feminism has created a Super Woman myth that we can do it all. Truth is, we get in our sense of self identifying as Mother or Career Woman. I tried living that myth and it exhausted and frustrated me. I'm grateful I don't have grandchildren. I get to be selfish. I get to be creative. I get to sleep in. And when I go to amusement parks with my grown kids, I get to ride the big roller coasters with them and I'm not stuck in a stroller brigade of crying toddlers. :-)

Also, I'm curious about the article you read on breast-feeding. I breast-fed all three of my children, and this review prompted a memory of the first time I heard another woman's baby cry in public and my milk let down and how embarrassed I felt over the reaction. Talking to other breast-feeding mothers, this is not uncommon. Yet I've never read anything about it, or breast-feeding someone else's child even though wet-nurses were once common.

You read and review such fascinating works!

Reply
Annecdotist
3/4/2015 04:14:12 am

Thanks for your thoughtful response to my post, Charli.
I think almost EVERYTHING around having/not having children/grandchildren and then how to raise them is contested. I liked this novel because it doesn't try to provide easy answers. The super mother myth is difficult and I think a product of capitalism as much as feminism, but I think society as a whole has a responsibility to support mothers not only as the most important people for the future of society but also as people who need a life of their own. Even the mere fact that mothers can be berated for breastfeeding their children in public (even though that's against the law in this country) shows how poorly we are doing in this regard. So no wonder people are aghast at a woman breastfeeding another's baby but, if we were genuinely child-centred, this would be perfectly acceptable. Here's the link to the article I read which I'll also tweet you separately. Interested in your views
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/14/my-friend-breastfed-my-baby-elisa-albert

Reply
Charli Mills
3/4/2015 05:46:23 pm

Loved the article! The writer articulated her broken experience and showed how it led to her powerful insights, determination, friendship and ultimate reclaiming of her confidence. It is odd how we hardly ever talk about modern wetnursing. I missed out on a career opportunity back in the day; I was busting with milk! :-) Her points about support are valid. My family was atrocious, but Todd's family was my saving grace. Thanks for posting the article!

Annecdotist
10/4/2015 02:30:35 am

Thanks, Charli. I think society has such a distorted attitude towards women's breasts. And as for your missed career as a wet nurse, you're so multitalented it seems to me you could have had several lifetimes of alternative careers.

Norah Colvin link
3/4/2015 02:23:57 am

Hi Anne,
This sounds like an interesting book. There were a few things that "spoke" to me in it. Two of my sisters suffered extreme mental health issues after the birth of their babies. A great tragedy for them and distressing for their families as well. Motherhood doesn't always work out the picture perfection that we are so often presented with.
Also, the way friends enter and leave our lives according to the particular "stages" or situations we are in, seems to feature here, as does the loss of identity when becoming a mother. I remember that quite well when my first was young and we were going to playgroups etc. It seemed I had no identity outside being his mother. I was very happy to be his mother, but I still needed recognition for my"self". When my second came along I was prepared for this attitude of others and did not feel it as much, if at all.
The way that Ari advocates for babies reminds me of one of my favourite passages from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" about children. He says, "Your children are not your children. They come through you but not from you. And though they are wilh you yet they belong not to you. ... You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."
Charli's discussion about being granchild-less is very true too. Some people make the choice by choosing to not have children of their own. Others have the choice thrust upon them by either being unable, for whatever reason, to have children of their own or by their children deciding to not have children. Society's expectations can make it seem if explanations and justifications are necessary, when really we just need to respect and value the choices and situations of each.
I appreciate the way that you encourage thought about a variety of issues each time you review another book. It is a skill indeed. :)

Reply
Annecdotist
3/4/2015 04:23:57 am

Thank you, Norah, your comments chime perfectly with so much of what's addressed in this novel. I love the quote from The Prophet, something I think needs to be said again and again. So sorry for your sisters – childbirth is such a momentous thing physically and psychologically I'm amazed anyone gets through it sometimes, although I know some struggle and feel compelled to keep quiet about it.

Reply
Clare O'Dea link
3/4/2015 05:11:17 am

Thank you for the mention Anne. After the great debate on Twitter I'm very curious to see what you will say about Hausfrau. Watch this space!
This book sounds very interesting. By your description, the baby is a real and palpable (possibly destructive, definitely disruptive) force in Ari's life. That's one thing I felt was missing from Hausfrau. I got no sense of Anna having to provide for the children's constant needs. Even with the mother-in-law standing in for the hours Anna was away - there would be so much for Anna to do at home that I'm not sure she could be as remote and disengaged as she is presented. She comes across more as a woman without children, lost in her thoughts half the time, with no hint of the constant round of snacks and meals, refereeing, soothing, disciplining, outside time, bathing, bedtimes, washing/changing clothes, night waking, not to mention shopping and housework that would fill the day of a mother of three. Maybe I just have trouble imagining such a switched-off mother. But there are plenty of depressed mothers out there.
After Birth sounds like a very American book. Motherhood seems to be tied up with a lot of angst and pressure for this generation of American woman with endless debate about what kind of mother one should be. We have it on this side of the Atlantic too though hopefully to a lesser degree.
I'm interested in Ari though and will put this on my TBR list. Just have to read One Hundred Years of Solitude first for book club on April 14th.

Reply
Annecdotist
3/4/2015 08:44:16 am

Thanks for this detailed comment, Clare. I take your point about Anna in Hausfrau, but for me the novel was less about motherhood than about alienation, whereas After Birth is very much about the whole process of becoming a mother.
Hope you enjoy 100 Years of Solitude – that's very different!

Reply
Safia link
4/4/2015 01:00:32 am

I think there is plenty of room for books dealing with a young, modern woman's struggle to maintain a sense of self following an unplanned pregnancy. I read the sample of this on Kindle and was immediately drawn in by the compelling and engaging voice and narrative style. Is breastfeeding in public illegal in the UK?! Don't like the hype from the UK publishers with regard to the breastfeeding aspect, but now I get it. Sensationalism on the back of something topical will no doubt attract attention and sell more books. Vastly different to Hausfrau as Clare has pointed out, and based on the samples of each, After Birth is the one I'd read. Thanks, Anne - another insightful review.

Reply
Annecdotist
7/4/2015 03:00:52 am

Glad you like the sound of this one, Safia. Sorry if I gave the impression that breastfeeding in public is illegal in the UK – it most definitely isn't!! Nevertheless, women who do so are often made to feel uncomfortable about it. Only a few months ago there was a news report of a woman being asked to leave one of the public rooms in a top hotel (might have been the Savoy) And there have been the occasional feed-in in public places to protest. The problem is, of course, that it's very hard for a mother to insist on her legal rights when she's trying to keep calm for the sake of the baby. And it really infuriates me, because what isn't recognised is that it's about the rights of the baby. Shouldn't we all be invested in a secure foundation for the next generation. I want the people staff in my care home when I'm old and decrepit to have vast reserves of patience and empathy!
On the same theme, my latest review is full of praise for The Wolf Border, which also features a modern woman going through an unexpected pregnancy (note, I'm not sure that the pregnancy in After Birth WAS unexpected) and Caesarean section, but one point that disappointed me was when Rachel, the main character, is feeding her baby when she hears her friend coming into her house, saying he has someone with him. Rachel grabs a tea towel to cover the baby and breast. Now, there's nothing wrong with affording oneself a bit of extra privacy, but I want to shout at her IT'S YOUR HOUSE! YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!

Reply
geoff link
5/4/2015 05:18:35 pm

I hesitate to offer a male perspective, or probably more relevant an observation but that is about expectations on women, esp mother's in the work place. In our narrow field of the law we have more women than men coming into the profession and still fail to create an environment for them to thrive. I know we aren't unique in that but none the less it is becoming a challenge to waste talent. And the problem is not really with maternity leave or inequalities in the structures of the organisations per se but in how we allow the women themselves to convince themselves as to what the societal expectations are. We still stand by, almost saying 'there you go' all yours without the positive insistence on making it work for them. Sort of like leaving nicotine patches lying around hoping smokers will pick them up. Sounds like this book tries to address how so many people try and pay lip service (your example of breast feeding in public is apposite) to the ideas of creating an environment with actually ensuring it gets used. Thoughtful as always

Reply
Annecdotist
7/4/2015 03:08:02 am

Excellent point, Geoff. The laws are all in place but the pressure remains on the women as individuals to make them work, and they're having to do this at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. I wonder if attitudes WILL change through legislation, especially now that men are also eligible to take part of the couple's parental leave. But it's difficult, as I don't think the workplace is really designed for real people, whether or not they become parents. Alas, it seems to me that that's what capitalism means.
I do think this is an area which is everyone's responsibility, and not just to be left to mothers. However, that's difficult too, because on an individual level, people have a certain right to privacy regarding their parenting decisions.
Thanks for joining in, as always.

Reply
sarah link
6/4/2015 09:25:01 am

Love this: "These tiny people, they’re not about you. They are not for you. They do not belong to you." That whole paragraph is fantastic. Also, "I think I, ah, sort of lost my mind this year?" Yes, well. That happens to most new moms to some degree.

Reply
Annecdotist
7/4/2015 03:09:12 am

Glad it chimed for you, Sarah. As you can tell, I loved so many passages from this novel, I couldn't help quoting.

Reply



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