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Welcome

I started this blog in 2013 to share my reflections on reading, writing and psychology, along with my journey to become a published novelist.​  I soon graduated to about twenty book reviews a month and a weekly 99-word story. Ten years later, I've transferred my writing / publication updates to my new website but will continue here with occasional reviews and flash fiction pieces, and maybe the odd personal post.

ANNE GOODWIN'S WRITING NEWS

Lost: the pleasures and terrors

15/9/2015

8 Comments

 
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Out walking at the weekend, the latest post from Charli Mills was preying on my mind. She’s writing about feeling lost, and challenging us to write a 99-word story on the subject. I can do that, I think. Despite being trained in navigation, I often get lost out on the hills. But there’s another kind of lost that’s more than geographical; as a psychologist and writer, I’m interested in lost as a state of mind.

I set out on Sunday in territory less familiar than my usual stomping ground, only intermittently checking my progress against the map. Avoiding a crowd of noisy cattle, I plunged through shoulder-high bracken, soaking my trousers with the residue of the previous day’s rain. I headed for a path I thought I recognised only to realise, ten minutes later, the rest of the topography didn’t fit. But I pressed on, seesawing between anxiety and excitement. I love discovering new corners of the landscape, finding enormous satisfaction in the moment when the strange intersects with the known. But there’s an edge of concern that I’ll delve too far into unknown territory, that I won’t make it back to base in time.

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The Peak District is no wilderness; in clear weather, the risks are pretty low. But, nevertheless, the challenge of getting lost distracts me from that state of reverie that facilitates my writing.

I could hunker down with map and compass, take the time to work out exactly where I am. But there’s a part of me that’s too scared or too stubborn. Calling time on my meandering means admitting I’m lost.

We often stumble through life shackled by our problems, encumbered by the burdens we must bear. Parts of our personalities that we don’t dare look at for fear the monster will destroy us. Better to pretend it doesn’t exist.


I don’t adhere to the philosophy that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Some traumas are so disorientating, there’s no chance of recovering our original path. Sure, we’ll find another one, but it’ll be steeper, stonier, less smooth underfoot. Perhaps that’s why An Untamed State spoke to me strongly, while Lost and Found, despite the appropriateness of the title, did not.

But sometimes, if we can bear to be truly lost, someone will find us. It could be that Miri’s stoicism in An Untamed State resulted in her kidnappers detaining her for longer; perhaps, if she’d wept and pleaded, her father would have paid the ransom sooner than he did. But acknowledging one’s desolation can feel like compounding the trauma. What if we call out and no-one comes?

The way we respond to threats will be shaped by previous experience, perhaps by the attachment styles developed in infancy. Some of us discover early that our cries for help are likely to be ignored. In these circumstances, it can take more courage to reveal our vulnerabilities than to go it alone.

Therapy can go some way towards mending: not the sticking-plaster type of therapy but the long haul. How apt that the subtitle of Stephen Grosz’s book of psychotherapy stories (which I didn’t rediscover until I was halfway through this post) should be How We Lose and Find Ourselves.

My novel, Sugar and Snails, is about one person’s attempts to find herself that lead to her getting more and more lost. She’s tried conforming to societal and family expectations. She’s tried studying it dispassionately in her academic research. She’s tried hiding her real self behind a facade. She’s tried romance and she’s tried self-harm. She’s desperately in need of some fictional therapy, but far too prickly to consider it (although she has benefited indirectly through the therapy I’ve experienced on her behalf). Her attempts at transformation haven’t magicked her problems away. Yet even Diana finds that it’s when she’s most lost that she can be found.

Since this post began on the theme of walking, I’ve based my flash on a memory of Diana’s from childhood, when being physically found isn’t enough. It’s from the end of a scene of which you can find an illustrated version on Tangental; not so much of a narrative but I hope it catches the nuances of being lost:

Shouldering his haversack, my dad strode off. I followed through woodland and moorland, on muddy paths and sheep-cropped grass. He didn’t stop to help me over stiles. He didn’t pause to admire the view. He didn’t wait when I pulled off my wellies to smooth the wrinkles from my socks.

Feet throbbing with every step, I scrambled up the slope. Through misty eyes, I scoped the terrain. When at last I spotted him, he didn’t wave or beckon me across. Ankles twisting on the uneven ground, I limped through the heather towards him. I was safe, but not saved.







Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you think. If you've enjoyed this post, you might like to sign up via the sidebar for regular email updates and/or my quarterly Newsletter.
8 Comments
Norah Colvin link
15/9/2015 12:15:51 pm

Oh Anne. I don't know how you could have mentioned my post in the same breath as yours (on my blog). Yours is so deep, while mine is so shallow.
I love that you talk about your walk, and use the scene from Diana's childhood memory. It speaks of so much pain and vulnerability. It encapsulates her being.
You mention so many ways of being lost in your post, many of which speak loudly to me. Giving into the fear and losing it is a real anxiety for me. And I support your derision for the truism that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I reckon it can knock you around quite a bit as well.
I love that you keep referring to Stephen Grosz's book. It was through this that we really forged our connection, and I'm pleased it has stayed strong. I always learn a lot from the insights shared in your posts.

Reply
Annecdotist
16/9/2015 04:06:52 pm

Thanks, Norah, but what do you mean – yours is shallow? Just looking at the same thing from a different angle, and I really enjoyed your post.
Mmm, I could have said more about what can happen to me when I'm really lost but I think I'll keep that to myself now.
As for Stephen Grosz, it was quite funny as I hadn't thought I'd include it, then I thought I'd pick it up to see if any of the chapter headings mentioned loss and got waylaid by the subtitle. Now I look again there is one in the section on Changing: How a fear of loss can cause us to lose everything – yup! So much good sense in that book and glad we keep reconnecting around it.

Reply
Norah Colvin link
21/9/2015 12:01:02 pm

There is a lot of Grosz's book to discuss. I know I would learn a lot from a deeper discussion of it.
I'm a bit slow in picking up on some things in the world of the internet. You have frequently mentioned Goodreads and have it listed prominently on your site but I haven't really given a thought to what it was. Last week I read a post on one of the educational blogs I follow about setting up a Goodreads discussion group. I thought that was a wonderful idea. So many times I am reading books and I would love to be able to discuss some of the ideas put forward - throw them around and try to make sense of them. It is not always easy to find people in person who are willing or interested in the same things. I guess this is what you have been doing all along and I am just beginning to understand. One day I'll have to check out Goodreads and maybe start listing my reads there too. It sounds like a great idea. I'd never keep up with your reading pace though! I'm not even sure I'd have fun trying! I just sit back in awe of it! :)

Annecdotist
21/9/2015 05:27:04 pm

Definitely much more to discover in Steven Grosz's book but for me that would require a reread, which isn't a priority right now.
I saw the post you mentioned about Goodreads and, even though I use it, I haven't had time is yet to join any groups. But – big fanfare! – if you or anyone else were thinking of joining now might be the time as you'd have the chance to win a copy of Sugar and Snails with a giveaway we are running from this Friday. (I know you've already read it but if you want you could always give it as a present.)

Charli Mills
16/9/2015 05:51:46 pm

I can understand your interest in the lost state of mind, and I enjoy the way you compare it to wandering on walk and not wanting to take time to pause in the meandering. Your vistas are beautiful in both words and photographs. Your character's pain to keep up and her sense of being found yet not saved is poignant.

Reply
Annecdotist
16/9/2015 10:17:26 pm

Thank you Charli for these kind words and glad it all worked for you – thanks for the inspiration! The heather has been marvellous this summer, although just past its best right now. And it does look better with a bit more sun!

Reply
geoff laptop link
20/9/2015 11:34:32 pm

really interesting post, Anne. I do et lot but I'm not one two stay that way of I can check the map and work out where I am, or at least narrow it down. Interesting you let yourself go. Perhaps its about being familiar with the overall terrain so confident you will find yourself. Perhaps a metaphor for all states of being lost.

Reply
Annecdotist
21/9/2015 09:48:26 am

Thanks, Geoff. Given that I am naturally cautious, I think my ability to tolerate being lost is down to a level of familiarity with the patch. It's also a great way of learning and I get excited at the prospect of extending my knowledge. Even this weekend I travelled path I'd never been done before, although I'd known for some time that it was there. And I think we need the experience of being found/finding ourselves to tolerate the sense of dislocation. I certainly think it's a good metaphor for me!

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