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About the author and blogger ...

Anne Goodwin’s drive to understand what makes people tick led to a career in clinical psychology. That same curiosity now powers her fiction.
A prize-winning short-story writer, she has published three novels and a short story collection with small independent press, Inspired Quill. Her debut novel, Sugar and Snails, was shortlisted for the 2016 Polari First Book Prize.
Away from her desk, Anne guides book-loving walkers through the Derbyshire landscape that inspired Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre.
Subscribers to her newsletter can download a free e-book of award-winning short stories.

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Homeless inside

27/6/2016

14 Comments

 
The Carrot Ranch is on the move and, sadly, not by choice. Forced out of her home and on the road, Charli has nevertheless grabbed the reins for long enough to deliver another flash fiction challenge. Fittingly, the topic is home and she’s served up two brilliant examples from her own novels in progress. While a collection of 99-word stories might not provide the much-needed bricks and mortar, there’s a virtual round-the-campfire homeliness on her blog when writers ride up with our responses to the prompt.

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I’d just posted my reviews of two novels on metaphorically haunted houses when I saw the new prompt. At first I was disappointed I’d missed my chance: I often like to challenge myself a bit further by linking my flash to a review. But a home is more than a door we can close and a roof to keep out the weather; it’s the place we feel comfortable and safe. The loss of the home in which we’ve invested much of ourselves can be devastating, yet the link between our physical home and our sense of safety isn’t always straightforward. We can have a wonderful house and still feel homeless; we can live an itinerant life and carry our home inside ourselves. In my reading and writing, I’m drawn to explorations of psychological home, or more often the lack of it. Perhaps it was more fitting that the email announcing Charli’s post arrived as I was working on my review of Rose Tremain’s latest novel.

The Gustav Sonata is one of the best novels I’ve read on the cause and effects of insecure attachment: when Gustav’s depressed mother is unable to give him the attention he requires as a baby, he grows up with a psychological deadness at his core that saps him of passion and all ambition other than to give others the comfort he has never had. But don’t be misled into thinking it’s a psychological case study; The Gustav Sonata is, above all else, a great feat of storytelling. It’s inspired me to persevere with my own attempts to foreground the theme of attachment, not only on Annecdotal (where you can find reviews of The Other Side of You, Hot Milk, My Name Is Lucy Barton, The Good Children and Her Father’s Daughter all of which, to varying degrees, illustrate the damage wrought by that inner homelessness, as well as other posts on the topic) but in my own fiction. And why not? It’s a theme that resonates for me strongly, both through my personal history and through my work as a clinical psychologist.

My debut novel, Sugar and Snails, is about an identity issue which I don’t share with my narrator, but it was partly inspired by an inner deadness of my own. I can’t claim to write as well as an Orange prize (and others) winner, but I was interested in the similarities between Gustav and Anton’s childhood game of life and death in the sanatorium and the morbid games my character, Diana, remembers playing as a child. I’m also claiming a link with my next novel, Underneath, in which my main character is, like Gustav, a fatherless boy with a depressed mother, whose inner homelessness is triggered by his partner’s threats to leave (although you can read it however you like, as long as you read it).

That fundamental insecurity has also featured in my short fiction over the years: from the child’s perspective in “Mummy and Me”, “All Night the Babby”, “Peace and Quiet Pancake” and “The Ruler in My Head”; from the perspective of the child-within-the-adult in “And the Winner Is”, “A Place of Safety”, “Had to Be You”, “My Father’s Love” and “Madonna and Child”(you have to flick through to page 12 to find this one). “Rebekah’s Foreskin” (click through to page 16) is about a mother’s trauma when her fear of causing pain to her baby is not taken sufficiently seriously by her relatives (as is often the case with attachment issues, even without the cultural context as in this story). My most recent flash fiction publication, “Out Of Her Element”, about how a perceived loss of security can lead to more perilous self-neglect, is disturbingly a BOTS (Based on a True Story).

Apologies for the plethora of links (you can attribute the deluded attempt to cover all bases as a consequence of insecure attachment) – you don’t need to follow them all. But I’m sharing partly because I’m wondering how I can take this theme to the next level in my writing. I’m still a long way from producing my own equivalent of The Gustav Sonata.

I’d got to this point in my post when I set it aside thinking I’d return to my flash in a couple of days’ time. But when I did, the shocking result of the EU referendum had numbed my brain. Insecurity is no friend of creativity, and I was feeling homeless in my own country with over half those who voted siding with a motion championed by the far Right. For those outside Europe, you’ll know what that feels like if you imagine waking up to discover your compatriots have elected Donald Trump.

Then I wondered if the homelessness I was feeling was similar to the estrangement felt by the 17 million citizens who voted to leave. “We want our country back” they said and, although it seems they were severely misguided in their attempts to get it (and, if a recent poll is to be believed, a million leave voters are already regretting it), I’ve known how that feels since the days of Thatcher government. We feel alienated when no-one in power speaks to our truth.

It’s sad that those who have suffered most from austerity seem to have voted for more. Although the data aren’t straightforward, if you’ve been following my reviews, you might not be surprised that it’s in those areas with the least educated populations that people have backed a campaign that was less about Europe than about fears of immigration and barely-suppressed racism, yet multicultural London voted to remain. Democracy requires an intellectually-engaged citizenship, something that diversity actually facilitates.

Since the government isn’t compelled to act on the result of the referendum, I’m still hoping that sanity will finally prevail. But, even if parliament votes against repealing the 1972 European Communities Act, we are heading for a period of tremendous upheaval. Many of those who voted to leave the EU will feel further disenfranchised if this fails to happen before they’ve changed their minds; whereas the 16 million of us who voted to stay need to be accommodated (some of these, perhaps, in an independent Scotland). And all this, not because Britain was hankering for a vote, but because David Cameron thought he could use the referendum to reconcile a split in his own party.

After so much preamble, I’m extra anxious about posting my own 99-word story in response to Charli’s prompt, but here goes:

At home on the tennis court?


The sound cuts through him, severing the sinews anchoring him to the present tense. He scans the park for the source of that plaintive cry.

“Fifteen-love.” The nurse looks baffled he missed such an easy shot. “Okay?”

He tries to blink himself back to the man who pantomimes serenity and sanity. Who stomachs a world where families are savaged for speaking the wrong language. Where mothers close the door on babies who scream what they themselves cannot endure.

Instead of leaving the court to find and console the baby, he grips the racquet tighter and focuses on the ball.

Don’t ask me how tennis slipped in, except that even I know it’s Wimbledon week. And, even if you don’t like my flash, you might enjoy listening to Paul Simon and friends.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you think. If you've enjoyed this post, you might like to sign up via the sidebar for regular email updates and/or my quarterly Newsletter.
14 Comments
Geoff lepard link
28/6/2016 11:35:46 am

I think your flash is one of your most powerful pieces, in truth but then we both of us reel in the aftermath of the most unexpected stupidity that seems to have overwhelmed us. I wake up, determined to be positive, inclusive forward looking and still I peer at van drivers and mothers with Croydon face lifts and wonder about their voting. If I'm stereotyping what hope others who fall prey to it more easily.
Unlike you I have voted Tory, as I have for other parties, sometimes in self interest sometimes in the belief they are right. Never again. Cameron's folly has caused such a disconnect for selfish, party specific reasons that I'm at see. We're there to be an election today I have no clue where to vote. So many certainties have gone. Sorry. Didn't mean to hog your comments with this. Help. I'm feeling very homeless.

Reply
Annecdotist
28/6/2016 01:46:20 pm

Geoff, you’re very welcome to vent your sense of homelessness here. I really wasn’t sure about posting my still unprocessed response to the referendum, but it’s so overwhelming it can’t be ignored. Like you, I’m wondering how others voted and finding solace among those I can rely on to feel the same.
We’re encouraged to vote in self-interest, but what saddens me about this is that many of those who voted Leave will not get what they wanted and will probably suffer for it more than I will. I can’t see a right wing government doing much to make life better for the poor. And I guess I vote in self-interest as I know I’d be happier in a society that tolerates diversity and I’d prefer to pay through my taxes for a government to support the vulnerable than to have to work out which charities etc I need to support myself
I’m glad you liked the flash – that’s really encouraging as I genuinely wasn’t sure that it would work.

Reply
geoff le pard link
28/6/2016 05:42:38 pm

Maybe we have differing views on approaches not outcomes!! One day we can debate it. I would guess (but I may be wrong) you are no more for a totally planned collectivist approach than I am for some patrician paternalistic approach - there is a middle ground that both main parties, at their best, have inhabited. Both sadly have extreme strident wings that at times come to the fore, and now seems to be that time. I wholly agree though that narrow nationalism is not the way and respecting diversity and protecting the vulnerable are essentials of the sort of society i want to see

Annecdotist
29/6/2016 10:12:17 am

I’m not much good at political debate, Geoff, but I’m thinking in terms of less of a middle ground than a healthy dialectic / integration of our individualistic and community drives. Which is a very grown-up kind of politics and a long way from what we have at the moment (maybe the Greens?)
I feel insulted that the prevailing system treats me as if I’m motivated solely by a base self-interest and acquisitive greed (though I’m not denying that is part of human nature) and not by altruism. But you’re right, I also wouldn’t be happy in a system that disregards my individuality while those in power live in luxury (seems to occur in most political systems, which is why it’s very nice to see Jeremy Corbyn leaving what looks to be a very ordinary and modest house).
I think we also need a politics that acknowledges that any system will be flawed but we strive for “good enough”, which doesn’t feel like where we’re heading with this vote.
I actually find I’m feeling more upset and pessimistic every day.

Norah Colvin link
28/6/2016 12:06:49 pm

Hi Anne,
I hardly know where to start commenting on this rich post. Your introductory paragraph re Charli's housing predicament and strength is a great tribute to her spirit.
The topic of abandonment is one we have discussed a few times here or there. No doubt we will again. That emptiness is difficult, if not nigh impossible, to fill. Why do we only get one chance if someone else is allowed to stuff it up before we get a chance to do it on our own?
The Gustav Sonata sounds interesting. Did I say that in my comment on that post? If not, I've changed my mind. You do a great job of recommending it. I hope I remember it when I make more time for lengthy reading.
Thanks for all the links to your stories. Some of them I have already read. The others may need to wait for a bit. I know I will enjoy them when I get to them. You have a great way of getting inside your characters. I guess the psychologist in you helps.
I was hoping to hear what you thought of the referendum. I can't believe the result! Although I know little of it, I'm prepared to accept your summation of the situation. I had expressed the same opinion myself. It makes me fear more for the future that is divided rather than united and accepting of difference and diversity. It's a pity the discussions for and against weren't as robust before the vote as they are now. I think it's important that people realise a vote is a vote is a vote. It's no point voting a particular way to make a statement unless the result is really wanted. If one has something to say there are other more effective, less permanent ways of getting the message across. I thought the results too close to call. But that's probably only because I disagreed with the decision. If I had agreed with the decision I'm sure I'd think it was difference enough!
I hope the situation settles soon, though I'm battling to remain a meliorist on this.
And I'm still not finished yet. Your flash is great. There is a young child in a neighbouring house who often cries for lengthy periods. While our yards adjoin, I don't know the family, our houses are not on the same street and are divided by high fences that we can't see over. It breaks my heart to hear this child cry and I get visions of things you mention in your flash. I can see a little into their yard from my upstairs window. The other day, when the crying was particularly distressed, and distressing, I tried to see - anything. I was surprised to see the mother walking with the child in her arms, speaking soothingly to him, while he continued to cry. It reassured me at least that he wasn't tied up or locked in a room. And I felt for the mother as well as the child. What patience she had to deal with him so calmly when he was so distressed. I wish there was an opportunity for me to speak with the mum without seeming like the nosy neighbour. I would be that nosy neighbour if I thought the child was being abused, but from what I saw the other day, it doesn't seem to be so. It is worrying for both mother and child, and the other children though. It can't be good for any of them.
Apologies for writing such a lengthy response. But you got me started! :)

Reply
Annecdotist
28/6/2016 02:15:06 pm

Thank you, Norah, I’m extremely grateful for your detailed and lengthy response, and glad you found so much in it to comment upon. I’m glad you liked the introduction as I often feel I can’t do justice to Charli’s generous community spirit and scintillating prose.
“Why do we get one chance…?” Sorry, I know it’s a serious subject but by cynical responses that God doesn’t like us. On the other hand, I suppose it’s because of our intelligence relative to other animals and that we still have to do a lot of developing out of the womb, which entails dependence on others.
Thanks for reading my stories. I so appreciate your support, but that reference to no need to follow all the links was included with you in mind! I know you’re very busy right now.
As for The Gustav Sonata – it seems even more relevant with the referendum result. Carol Hedges had posted a lovely piece on her blog which made no actual reference to the poll but made her opinions very clear, and mentioned in her reply to a comment that it makes us wonder about Nazi Germany. When I think that, it feels like an overreaction, but on the other hand probably the Germans felt that too, and certainly many Jews did not leave their comfortable homes because they couldn’t imagine things would go as far as they did. Will we learn?
You’re absolutely right that it’s a pity there wasn’t as much talk about the legitimacy of the referendum and how the result would be implemented, if at all, beforehand, other than “it’ll be really complicated” from the Remain side and “it won’t be so bad” from Leave. I must confess that I was rather complacent. I knew from the start how I was going to vote and rather switched off from the non-debate, looking forward to when it was over and the politicians could get back to their jobs. I didn’t, for example, even consider going out canvassing, which I certainly would have done had I known there was a chance of this. It’s sad /embarrassing to hear people thinking they are making Britain great again when we must be a laughing stock overseas if people aren’t recoiling in horror. While the overall tally is very close with only just over 1 million between In and Out, for England, apart from London, it’s very clear. I only hope that Scotland can save us from this folly, but. Sadly I think many of the little Englanders will profess themselves happy to see them go. It’s also a dreadful, as you’re probably aware from your connections, for Northern Ireland and the years of hard work that went into the peace agreement. A tragedy for commonsense (which, as we usually find is not that common).
Sorry about your struggles to remain a meliorist on this – this is where we weltzmerchers come into our own as the world is proved to be as dreadful as we imagine /know it to be .
But I’m glad you liked the Flash, as I said to Geoff, I wasn’t so sure. Oh, I’d really struggle listening to that baby and I’m not much use in being unintrusively supportive of anyone I might come across in such a situation. If the mother is actually trying to soothe the child then it could be that he has some disability that’s distressing him, but still doesn’t bode well. It can be difficult if we don’t come across our neighbours casually (which is often the case when people drive everywhere) it can be hard to offer the support I know you’d like to give.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s good to give these themes an airing.

Reply
Charli Mills link
29/6/2016 12:36:03 am

Such a rich post that I've bookmarked it to do some binge-reading when I have internet access. It's unsettling to consider how the UK's vote went with our own toupeed f***ktrumpet still blasting for election in the US. Sometimes I think I'm just getting a head start on the homelessness my country is going to feel come November. At least I'm getting a chance to adjust my mind! And your flash--wow, I agree with Geoff, one of your best! I see in you as a writer, grappling with this complex human motivator and I know you will continue to express it in ways that will lead to your own sonata one day. This flash and your links to other stories and posts are all part of the notes you are crafting.

Reply
Annecdotist
29/6/2016 10:03:00 am

Thanks for that affirmation, Charli. Maybe you and I both will get more angry and political in our writing to good effect. I’ll write another Gustav Sonata and you can update The Grapes of Wrath!
If our UK experience will trigger a wake-up call in the US to defeat Trump it might feel as if our suffering hasn’t been in vain! Although we don’t always learn from our own failures, let alone other people’s.

Reply
Norah Colvin link
29/6/2016 07:56:41 am

Thank you, Anne, for your lengthy reply. I was particularly interested to hear your thoughts about the crying toddler situation. He has had a few goes today. I wish there was some way I could offer support, but can't see how to do it. It does break my heart.
I did read Carol's post. I don't always read them, but was interested to do so when I saw it on Twitter. I found the comment re the 1930s situation rather alarming. I hope it doesn't come to that. It is certainly not good for the UK (or doesn't appear to be). Connections in N.I voted to leave, saying that it wasn't working. I think they meant immigration as there had been some attempted car thefts in southern England. I think these are similar attitudes to those you mentioned. I wonder how differently it would have all gone if the "remains" hadn't been so complacent, wondering how anyone could vote any differently. The result can't have been expected. It will be interesting to see how things go in the future.

Reply
Annecdotist
29/6/2016 10:25:53 am

Sorry about the toddler. I think here there would be the option of phoning social services and flagging your concerns. Of course you’ve no control over how they deal with that (anything along the range from dismissing you to barging in with the big guns), but they might be able to help and/or be aware of the situation. It might help you, as we can’t be responsible for everything that’s wrong in the world!
I actually sought out Carol’s post because she’s posted other political rants (generally more locally based) and was interested to see what she’d have to say, if anything. I think it is alarming and hard to believe it would come to such an extreme and I’m sure lots of decent Germans would have felt the same in the 1930s.
I need to take responsibility for my own contribution to the complacency, but I think the media reporting was abysmal. Now we’re hearing from universities of how research and student numbers depend on the EU but the basic BBC sounding out of opinions from around the country continually picked on “ordinary”/stupid people who were voting on the basis of fear of immigration which has never properly challenged. Likewise the lies spouted by the Leave campaign.

Reply
C. Jai Ferry link
1/7/2016 04:22:58 am

I'm terrified that the world is going to continue to experience reeling moment after reeling moment in the upcoming months, but I won't go there now because I don't want t get all riled up right before bed. The resignation and determination in your flash is wonderful. I felt him gripping the racquet tighter. Well done!

Reply
Annecdotist
1/7/2016 12:13:10 pm

Thanks for that kind feedback. I hope you slept well – not very restful to have your mind reeling just before bed, even if that is a valid reflection of the world we live in right now.

Reply
sharmishtha basu
7/7/2016 07:46:31 am

touching story!

mine is here
https://agnijaat.wordpress.com/2016/07/07/home-for-carrotranch/

Reply
Annecdotist
8/7/2016 10:27:07 am

Thank you.

Reply



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Photos used under Creative Commons from havens.michael34, romana klee, mrsdkrebs, Kyle Taylor, Dream It. Do It., adam & lucy, dluders, Joybot, Hammer51012, jorgempf, Sherif Salama, eyspahn, raniel diaz, E. E. Piphanies, scaredofbabies, Nomadic Lass, paulternate, Tony Fischer Photography, archer10 (Dennis), slightly everything, impbox, jonwick04, country_boy_shane, dok1, Out.of.Focus, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service - Midwest Region, Elvert Barnes, guillenperez, Richard Perry, jamesnaruke, Juan Carlos Arniz Sanz, El Tuerto, kona99, maveric2003, !anaughty!, Patrick Denker, David Davies, hamilcar_south, idleformat, Dave Goodman, Sharon Mollerus, photosteve101, La Citta Vita, A Girl With Tea, striatic, carlosfpardo, Damork, Elvert Barnes, UNE Photos, jurvetson, quinn.anya, BChristensen93, Joelk75, ashesmonroe, albertogp123, >littleyiye<, mudgalbharat, Swami Stream, Dicemanic, lovelihood, anyjazz65, Tjeerd, albastrica mititica, jimmiehomeschoolmom