One huge leap for Anne, one teeny tiny step for womankind

My first novel will be published tomorrow: a momentous event, and the only reason it isn’t the culmination of a lifetime’s ambition is that it wasn’t until I was almost 50 that I could allow myself to strive for things that weren’t about serving the needs of others. So, although I might not have been able to acknowledge it until recently, this is what I’ve always wanted. And I’ve worked damn hard to get here. Hurrah for me!

Yet in the larger scheme of things, my novel is insignificant. Although, because of its subject, it might help one or two people along the road to self-compassion, it’s not going to change the world. It’s not going to halt climate change or make the world a fairer place. Even on a less grandiose scale, it’s just one more novel in a world already bursting with books.

How do I reconcile these two apparently contradictory notions of my novel’s importance? How do I allow myself that frisson of excitement as I gaze across the room at an entire shelf of printed copies, in the knowledge that most of the world’s attention is elsewhere? How do I celebrate my achievement knowing that most people would (rightly) be unimpressed? I don’t want to dilute what this means to me; nor do I want to delude myself that, outside me and my small circle, it’s a big deal.

What helps right now is to shift the focus from me and the magnitude of my (in)significance, to gratitude for the support I’ve received in the process of realising my (unstated) ambition. In the published version of my novel, the acknowledgements run to about a page and a half. But I also noted that I’d be adding some more names to the list via my website to spread the gratitude around. I must confess that this device wasn’t only to save space: with a novel that’s been in the works since October 2008, it can be hard to remember every single person who’s assisted it along the way. So there was a cheeky logic to the flash I composed about a year ago on the subject of writing the acknowledgements before the book. I wouldn’t go quite that far, but the advantage of having a web-based acknowledgement page is that I can continually update it as more of those helpful people come to mind. I’ve also added links, where possible, to those given a mention in the published book.

Meanwhile, I’m touched by the goodwill I’m encountering in the course of bringing the book to the attention of readers. From close friends to mere acquaintances, both those who love and those who have no time for books, those I meet in the flesh and those I encounter online, I’m amazed how much people are sharing in the joy.

So for now I’m going to indulge myself, partying with friends in the physical world at my two launch events, drinking virtual tea – or champagne – with my online friends on my tour of various blogs. I know there will be disappointments ahead – sagging sales, vindictive reviews, mere indifference – but I can’t lessen their impact by reining myself in now. I intend to walk around with a huge smile on my face for the next couple of weeks. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.