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About the author and blogger ...

Anne Goodwin’s drive to understand what makes people tick led to a career in clinical psychology. That same curiosity now powers her fiction.
A prize-winning short-story writer, she has published three novels and a short story collection with small independent press, Inspired Quill. Her debut novel, Sugar and Snails, was shortlisted for the 2016 Polari First Book Prize.
Away from her desk, Anne guides book-loving walkers through the Derbyshire landscape that inspired Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre.
Subscribers to her newsletter can download a free e-book of award-winning short stories.

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Compassion: Something we all need.

20/2/2015

30 Comments

 
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Today’s the day that the internet is going to zing with antidotes to the mammoth cruelty and indifference to suffering that exists in this world. The 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion blogathon, launched by Yvonne Spence just over a month ago, has rocketed through the airwaves (or do I mean fibre-optic cables?), enthusing a galaxy of bloggers and tweeters to join in. As a warmup, Charli Mills compiled a virtual anthology of the Carrot Ranchers’ compassion-themed 99-word stories. Mine focused on compassion within marriage (after all, it was Valentine’s Day when I posted) and the self-compassion that’s needed for compassion for others to thrive. My contribution to the 1000 Voices is to elaborate the ideas behind that flash.

It might seem contradictory to focus on the self when the genesis of this movement was to combat the despair at an apparent lack of compassion for others. Yet one of the examples that Charli gave in her post introducing the compassion prompt made me think about how people can find compassion for others difficult because they haven’t experienced sufficient compassion themselves. Even if compassion doesn’t require them to do anything, it might feel too big a burden to take on, especially if they’ve been shackled with caring for others when they were desperately in need of care themselves.

The dynamic can also operate the other way around: twenty-five years working in mental health care taught me that too many people in caring roles are very poor at caring for themselves, risking depression and burnout. (You’ve also probably heard about high suicide rates among doctors.) Some suggest that people may substitute caring for another for caring for themselves; some unconsciously seeking work within the caring professions because of their own experiences of inadequate care, particularly in childhood. So let’s put aside the presumption that compassion for oneself is selfish. Instead, let’s think of it as a necessary and preliminary step towards compassion for others, rather like the airline safety announcement that informs parents to fit their own oxygen masks before attending to their children.

The Compassionate Mind Foundation was established to promote well-being through the scientific understanding and application of compassion. Paul Gilbert and his colleagues have developed a therapeutic approach for people with complex and challenging psychological difficulties, especially those linked to high levels of shame and self-criticism. While many psychotherapies promote self-acceptance, this is the only one of which I’m aware which explicitly teaches self-compassion. While only those who have been suitably trained can practice the therapy, its principles – especially in providing a framework for understanding how any of us might struggle with self-compassion – are worthy of wider consideration.

Research from neuroscience postulates three distinct but interrelated systems within the brain for processing emotional experience: one pursuing the achievement of goals; another focused on avoiding threat, both internal and external; a third concerned with safety and soothing. All three are necessary, but some of us have an overdeveloped threat system (perhaps being too ready with the fight, flight or appeasement responses) and/or an underdeveloped, or difficult to access, safety system, so that we are unable, or slow, to return to a state of calmness once the danger is past.

Some intuitive strategies for managing distress can compound the situation. For example, if I were visiting Charli’s ranch and was scared to mount one of her enormous horses, it wouldn’t necessarily help me to be told I had nothing to fear. Standing there quivering with anxiety, I would now have two problems to deal with: my original fear and my shame at being a grown woman frightened of nothing. Now, Charli being the kind and compassionate person I perceive her to be, would probably respond differently. She might remark that, not having grown up with horses as she has, my fear was understandable. She might even enquire as to whether I’d had alarming experiences with horses in the past, and whether I’d been supported through them or left feeling guilty and blamed. She might then support me to be around the horses until I felt more comfortable, with no pressure to climb on one’s back until I was ready. She’d probably also make sure I knew what to do once I was up there; most importantly, how to apply the brake. Like in this imaginary visit to the Carrot Ranch, compassion-focused therapy provides a framework in which people need no longer feel ashamed or blamed for their difficulties and practical ways, including mindfulness techniques, to overcome them.

Why might some of us have overactive threat systems and underactive safety systems? It might come down to the way in which our expressions of fear and discomfort have been responded to in infancy. The attachment system has evolved to improve the survival chances of our species that is totally dependent on others from birth. Responsive parents provide the experience of soothing and model coping with threat. Parents who don’t respond to a baby’s cry, or do so in an aggressive or highly anxious way themselves, inadvertently teach the child that their distress is unmanageable and that they are beyond help.

Research psychologist Mary Ainsworth developed an ingenious method of assessing whether or not an infant has developed secure attachments. In the Strange Situation, babies play in a comfortable room until, at a given signal, the mother leaves. What distinguishes securely from insecurely attached infants, is not how they behave when the mother (or other primary carer) leaves, but whether they are able to settle on her return.
Research suggests that about two thirds of the population can be categorised as securely attached. That’s a whopping one third of us who aren’t. So, wherever you position yourself, it’s probably worth exercising self-compassion. Believing you don’t need or deserve it, is a strong indicator that you do.

I hope this post hasn’t been too heavy, or perhaps it’s a welcome respite from another novel review? I’ve touched on attachment theory in some other posts and no doubt will do again. Your response to this will help to shape that. In the meantime, if you want to discover more, I recommend Sue Gerhardt’s book, Why Love Matters.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you think. If you've enjoyed this post, you might like to sign up via the sidebar for regular email updates and/or my quarterly Newsletter.
30 Comments
geoff link
19/2/2015 03:15:38 pm

Really interesting Anne. Yvonne posted today touching on this same issue in connection with how she handled her reaction to a homeless person. There is clearly a strong emotion involved and I'm fascinated by the three states - systems (as well as the addition to the commonly quoted flight or flight response - appeasement) you mention. The video clip makes tough watching but again really compelling ideas around the sense of security that can be engendered so early. A really excellent addition to the compendium of posts.

Reply
Annecdotist
21/2/2015 09:08:17 am

Similarly to you, I haven't often seen appeasement listed alongside the fight-flight response, but it makes sense to me. And of course a useful defence in situations where is too powerful to fight and there's nowhere to run to.
Thinking about this some more, in response to your comment, I'm wondering whether it had been considered as part of attachment theory as I'm never sure where to place my own brand of insecure attachment, but I was probably the baby who'd be trying to meet the mother feel better for having left the room!!!

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Charli Mills link
19/2/2015 04:24:37 pm

What an informative post, Anne! I'm honored to be included as an example and it actually got me excited, thinking about welcoming writers to the real ranch and using horses as a way to build both confidence and compassion. Horses are fear-based animals. To gain a horse's trust is no small feat. I never liked the word "breaking" a horse. Training and building trust is the mark of the buckaroo way. If you can, look up this incredible movie, Buck (watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IShjmWYuHZ0). It's about horses, but really, it's about people and learning self-compassion in order to express it to the horse which is the mirror of one's soul.

The video was a fascinating eye-opener! When a woman has a baby, everyone is full of advice. The biggest piece of advice that others gave me really grated: let the baby cry. I though intuitively that was the worse reaction a mother could do -- ignore her baby's cries. Cries are communication -- hunger, discomfort, need. No wonder if we respond erratically, a child develops a insecure attachment! I took lots of parenting classes and read books about the "formative years" because I didn't want to perpetuate the cycle I came out of. I have PTSD and my husband has combat PTSD. We seem like the most unlikely people to parent! We both learned that in order to be the loving parents we wanted to be, we had to find self-love and acceptance first. It's given us a compassionate foundation to our 27-year marriage with three healthy, happy and thriving grown children. It really does begin with the self and self care. It's not selfish or self-centered, it's just healthy! Love the airplane oxygen mask analogy, too!

What a great post! Thank you!

Reply
Annecdotist
21/2/2015 09:17:51 am

Charli, you are a true hero! There is research that assesses adult attachment styles (via an intensive interview rather than the strange situation) that has looked at how, as you'd expect, these get passed on to children (and there's an effect for both mothers and fathers). I think it's admirable that you were both sufficiently aware that you needed to behave differently to your own parents AND make the effort to get support and education to do it better. Often people manage the first stage but are so intent on not repeating the mistakes of their own parents they go to the opposite extreme and create different problems. I'm so glad it worked out for your family.
I'm also glad to have given you more ideas about connecting horses and writing. The video sounds interesting and I'm going to watch it when I've responded to everyone's comments. But no, I didn't like that word "breaking" either – it's suggesting you have to destroy the original spirit first rather than working jointly with it. Still, not surprising it persists, some people still have that notion about rearing children.
Thanks for your support.

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Annecdotist
21/2/2015 10:04:43 am

Watched the video, seems right up your street. Just like problem horses being problems with people, problem kids are often really problem parents. Thanks for sharing.

Charli Mills link
23/2/2015 02:33:25 pm

I don't know about a hero, but I'm grateful for books and mentors who all modeled different ways. At some point we have to choose to be that to others. A better cycle perhaps? I like the idea of working jointly, and both horses and children respond well to that. I hope this post continues to seep out into the world. And yes, like Buck says, problem horses are often people problems, and that can likely extend to parents and children.

Annecdotist
26/2/2015 08:51:13 am

Of course you're right to acknowledge the part played by those who modelled how to do it differently, but I still think it's an area where it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to acknowledge that you need that help.

Norah Colvin link
19/2/2015 09:52:45 pm

I really enjoyed this post, Anne, as well as the comments by Geoff and Charli. You have given me much to think about. I agree that one needs to take care of oneself before taking care of others. Otherwise it leads to resentment and burnout.
I was interested in your suggestion that some may go into a caring profession as they weren't properly cared for in their own childhood. I think this may be true for a lot of the non-caring people I see in those professions. They seem to have no sense of empathy and compassion and certainly didn't learn any anywhere. Fortunately (hopefully) they are in the minority.
I found the video particularly interesting, and Charli's response to it. Like Charli I was determined to do the best thing for my children and was never comfortable with the 'let them cry' philosophy which, fortunately, was starting to lose ground when I became a parent. I was one of ten children who followed one after the other at about two yearly intervals. It would have been difficult for my mother to answer each and every call. There were many other issues that would have affected the emotional/psychological development of me and my siblings as we were growing up, but your post gives insights into some of the difficulties we are experiencing at the moment with lack of respect and empathy being a strong one. While self-acceptance may still be a weakness of mine, I am pleased that, for whatever reason, I was able to see some of the limitations of early life experiences and work positively to overcome them for myself and my children.
Back to the choice of caring profession. Not being happy with the schooling that was offered me certainly influenced my choice of teaching as a profession.
I look forward to reading more posts about attachment theory. I am beginning to see (some) things in a new light.
Thanks for sharing this deep and meaningful post. :)

Reply
Annecdotist
21/2/2015 09:28:45 am

Thank you, Norah, from the way that you write about your attitudes as a teacher, I'm sure you've been great at parenting your own children. You've also gone into your career with compassion for the kids (including your younger self) who didn't get as good as they deserved with the motivation to try and do it better.
Uncaring people (along with the occasional psychopath) can be a real problem within all branches of human services but I do think many go into it with the intention to care. They can lose their compassion if they're overwhelmed by people's neediness (especially if their own attachment styles have left them without an off-button) and if they are insufficiently supported to do things well.
Thanks for your support with this. I'd been wanting to write about attachment theory for some time – and I think I'd mentioned it in relation to some of your posts – as I have other thoughts of how it links to reading and writing.
And, if you're interested, do consider seeing if Sue Gerhardt's book is available in audio!

Reply
Annecdotist
22/2/2015 07:03:09 am

Oliver Burkeman's column this weekend is quite interesting in touching obliquely on the way we end up working in (and writing about) the areas and issues in which we are emotionally invested
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/feb/20/denial-is-often-confirmation-psychology-oliver-burkeman
(I'm also posting the link to your compassion post here mostly for my own reference as I'm sure I want to come back to your videos
http://norahcolvin.com/2015/02/20/1000speak-for-compassion/)

Norah Colvin link
25/1/2016 05:54:49 am

I'm pleased you linked back to this post in your current one, Anne. I really enjoyed reading it at the time, and did so again. There's always so much to learn and this is a fascinating topic. Unfortunately Sue Gerhardt's book is not available on audio. I'm almost ready for a new one. Thanks for linking to Oliver Burkeman's article. It's fascinating. I think I've often commented to you that I am concerned about how much of myself I reveal in what I write. Probably like I just have in making that statement. The two videos about compassion that I linked to are good ones. I'm pleased you reminded me of those also. :)

Annecdotist
25/1/2016 02:25:15 pm

Thanks for popping back again, Norah. I do think it’s a process of both revealing and concealing, and people don’t always pick up on the things we hope or fear they might. But I do think any job relating to vulnerable people can be such hard work, we wouldn’t do it unless it was also a theme for us personally. The other question, of course, is what we fear people will do with the things we inadvertently reveal. If it’s our humanity, they’ll draw closer!
But so sorry that book isn’t available in audio – it’s a great introduction to attachment issues

Sherri Matthews link
20/2/2015 04:08:49 am

Oh Anne, your excellent and informative post grabbed me in so many ways, particularly for my daughter who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 18. I could say so much here, and don't really know where to begin. The video is fascinating but it made me cry because I can't bear the thought of any child not being able to properly bond with its mother. I was 10 when my mother left my father, whom I adored, and he went on to be a lifelong alcholic in and out of prison, still alive at 82 in a half way house as we speak. I have struggled with issues of abandoment and rejection all my life for one reason or another, yet my mother was my rock in many ways and I had a strong, good family life with grandparents, my brother too. So when I had my three children, I wanted them to have a secure, happy, loving, strong and safe upbringing as possible. All of mine cried when I left them (I did a stint at Sunday School with them) but always calmed the minute I returned. In fact, I gave up leaving them and became a Sunday School helper instead! I worry terribly for those babies who weren't comforted by their mother's return and the repurcussions of this inability. It fills my heart with dread in fact for the problems they will suffer as they grow up. My daughter was very 'needy' as a baby, I joke that she was fine in the first year - so long as I was holding her. But that was the truth. Yes, she was born with Asperger's but she was and still is very attached to me which leads me to this whole issue with empathy, or lack of it for those with ASD. But that is a whole other issue. And I could go on, so I'll stop now. But all this to say, thank you for your wonderful post, and I agree with all you say about Charli, that is just what she would do, no doubt about it! I read everyone's comments and feel honoured and blessed to be part of such a wonderful community formed by Charli, and to know that we can share our hearts in such a way with another. Again, thank you.

Reply
geoff link
20/2/2015 09:40:37 am

when read of your trials and tribulations, Sheri, I always want to give you my shoes. You seen to have climbed over an unconscionable number of harsh rocky paths while mine have been pretty universally tarmacked. And Auntie Charli has done a fabulous job, I agree.

Reply
Sherri Matthews link
21/2/2015 02:18:25 am

Geoff, you have a heart of gold and we all have our crosses to bear, no matter what. Love 'Auntie Charli'...she certainly has that :-)

Annecdotist
21/2/2015 09:39:09 am

I'm glad it spoke to you, Sherri, and thanks for sharing your own experiences as both child and parent. Although attachment theory has used a model where people are put into discrete categories of attachment styles, in our lived experience it can feel more varied. How hard for you and your daughter with her particular difficulties but it's good that she has such support from you. I did wonder about including the video because it can be so hard to watch, but I think it puts over the ideas so well and it's through similar partitions that I developed my own understanding, such as it is.
And so agree, it's great to be part of Charli's creative and compassionate community. Long may it continue!

Reply
Nabanita Dhar link
21/2/2015 09:10:52 am

You know I really feel so overwhelmed by this...I learnt something today and this touched me somewhere...Thank you...I know nothing I say can express how much I loved this post... So I'll just say that let's keep spreading compassion and making each day a little better than the next

Reply
Annecdotist
21/2/2015 09:45:02 am

Thanks for reading and commenting, Nabanita, and welcome to my blog! I'm glad you found the post interesting but it can be a lot to take in, emotionally as well as intellectually. I do post on lighter subjects from time to time!
It's great what happened with the #1000speak initiative – I can't imagine I'll get anywhere near reading all the posts, but I'm off now to have a look at yours.

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Joy link
21/2/2015 10:50:48 am

"...how people can find compassion for others difficult because they haven’t experienced sufficient compassion themselves." WORD! It felt like I was in church when I was reading your post. I finally understood some 'things'. Thank you for sharing.

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Annecdotist
22/2/2015 07:04:31 am

So pleased the post resonated for you, Joy, and thanks for letting me know.

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jaklumen link
21/2/2015 11:25:14 am

*sigh* This might explain a few things with me. I suffered abuse from my parents, more particularly my mother- a bit of it sexual, some of it physical, and a lot of it emotional. I've been in and out of therapy for 30 years of my 40 years of my life, but never once did I hear of compassion-focused counseling. I live in a small town area and I got a lot of what I felt was pandering, which only seemed to grow worse when community mental health resources under Medicaid became the only option.

Reply
Annecdotist
22/2/2015 07:15:08 am

Sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard time and it can add to one’s burdens when the thing that supposed to help – therapy – doesn’t. Thankfully, in the UK, we still have the potential to receive therapy on the NHS, but it’s heading quickly towards a standardised insurance-based model which doesn’t fully acknowledge the wide individual differences. There’s a chance that compassionate-mind therapy will get through because, although it has the potential for great depth, which is very time-consuming, it does have the potential to be packaged in a way that the bureaucrats can understand. Hope you get what you need.

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Lori Schafer link
21/2/2015 02:41:11 pm

I really enjoyed this, Anne. You often use the books you read in more scientific types of analysis, but I did think it was neat that you broke away from novels all together in this post.

I do think the world suffers from lack of self-care. My generation in particular seems to possess a higher-than-average percentage of people who are incapable of taking care of themselves. They manage the pity part all right - but they often fail to move on to the point of wanting to help, even themselves. It's a very strange phenomenon, and if there's one type of person who inspires compassion in no one, it's whiners. Is this a result of upbringing, or generational apathy? I don't know. But I do know that a person who can't care in a compassionate way for him- or herself is unlikely to be able to show compassion for others. Where would they find it?

Reply
Annecdotist
22/2/2015 07:24:36 am

Thanks for that feedback, Lori. I had mixed feelings about focusing a whole post on this subject, mostly because I felt I had to choose my words more carefully and be aware of the extra responsibility to ensure that I could back up what I was saying with the evidence.
Interesting question about the whiners, so difficult to empathise with anyone who continually complains about their lot. They’re obviously in great need, but the behaviour makes it less likely they’ll get support. Maybe what’s offputting is the lack of compassion for others, including the feelings of the person on the receiving end of the epic moan. Maybe unconsciously it’s a way of confirming that people don’t care, which can be more comforting than genuinely reaching out to others and all the risks that come with that.
The advantage that the therapist has in this situation is that they can be gently more challenging in probing the underlying motivation but, in ordinary conversation, it can be a real drain!

Reply
Sarah link
22/2/2015 09:11:53 am

Yes! This ---> " too many people in caring roles are very poor at caring for themselves".

This is a difficult topic for me (both the self-compassion and the burnout for lack of it). Funny, I have all the compassion in the world for others. Even nature: animals, trees... Yes, you read that correctly. I have a post written about how the things I think about myself are things I would NEVER say to another person. Great take on the compassion movement. Lovely post.

Reply
Annecdotist
23/2/2015 07:49:32 am

And sometimes it's the nicest people who don't look after themselves well enough. Take time out, I want you to stick around for the long haul.

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Bec
25/2/2015 04:42:07 pm

Hi Anne, this is such an important and fascinating post. I know a friend who works in mental health, and his workplace places on him extreme demands of time - weekly air travel and time away from home, working into the evenings and weekends just to meet the requirements of his job. It's not far, and I think a real failure in the duty of care from his organisation which is meant to be about the well-being of society and individuals in society. I like too the example of Charli's kind response (nice one Charli!) to your hypothetical discomfort with horses. It's funny how much impact words can have on us, and the difference that a bit of compassion shown can make not only in a moment, but to a person's life after that point, too.

I think sometimes about the allegory of a person who was for a long time angry, and hurtful to the people around them. Over time this person started apologising and making amends, but couldn't understand why the people around them were still cautious and perhaps a bit hurt. (I am doing a terrible job of paraphrasing this.) It was likened to hammering nails into a fence. Every time a nail goes in when angry, it can be pulled out later on, but the hole is still left behind. Worst retelling ever. But I suspect you know what I'm getting at. I still at times find myself recalling the fear I felt when I was yelled at by an angry adult in a Post Office because I questioned this person parking in a spot reserved for people with disabilities. Norah will remember this, too. I was probably 12 or 13 at the time, but it can still make me feel vulnerable and insignificant if I find the 'hole' during the right (or wrong) frame of mind.

Reply
Annecdotist
26/2/2015 08:31:21 am

Thanks for popping over, Bec. I do love hearing your views.
Your friend’s situation reminds me that where I used to work in mental health setting, the compassionate leave allowance following a bereavement was three days. Of course, it was possible for people to take more time as sick leave should they need it, but it always annoyed me, both for myself and for those I managed, because the person wasn’t actually sick, just in need of timeout.
And you’re right, a little bit of compassion can actually go a long way.
I like the story of the nails in the wood and haven’t come across it before – and you’ve summarised it perfectly clearly, it seems to me.
Oh, and your own story of the angry adult shouting at you when they were actually in the wrong – it’s so poignant. From what I know of your current values, I can easily picture you as a twelve-year-old kid speaking out against injustice. But what a horrible reaction! Clearly that person couldn’t cope with the idea of a child being more compassionate than they were.

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Bec
3/3/2015 05:14:46 pm

Hi again Anne, I just happened on this article over at Pacific Standard where attachment theory has been proposed as a way to explain dogs' behaviour. I thought you might like to read it! http://www.psmag.com/health-and-behavior/do-you-and-your-dog-need-couples-counseling

Reply
Annecdotist
4/3/2015 03:38:51 am

Interesting, Bec, thanks for sharing. I was a bit dubious about them using self-report measures to assess the owner's attachment styles, as I think we are often unaware of how we operate because it just seems normal if it's what we've always done. On the other hand, it makes sense. I'm not a dog-person but it is my impression that people sometimes seem to understand the impact of how they are treated on an animal's behaviour more readily than they do for children.

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