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About the author and blogger ...

Anne Goodwin’s drive to understand what makes people tick led to a career in clinical psychology. That same curiosity now powers her fiction.
A prize-winning short-story writer, she has published three novels and a short story collection with small independent press, Inspired Quill. Her debut novel, Sugar and Snails, was shortlisted for the 2016 Polari First Book Prize.
Away from her desk, Anne guides book-loving walkers through the Derbyshire landscape that inspired Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre.
Subscribers to her newsletter can download a free e-book of award-winning short stories.

TELL ME MORE

I’m mourning my lost identity as physically healthy

25/7/2022

14 Comments

 
I pulled out of a leading one walk through Jane Eyre territory when Mr A remarked I was breathless just getting from a hospital bed to the bathroom. I pulled out of the second (scheduled for tomorrow) when, although much improved, I realised I couldn’t walk, talk and carry a backpack simultaneously, especially not uphill. Now even the dog walkers have noticed I’m tramping the fields uncharacteristically slowly. How to explain to acquaintances that’s not the real me?
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Identity is one of the themes of my fiction. I’ve written about gender, siblings, sexuality, mental health, motherhood, marital status and much more. I’ve written about the body and disability, but nothing about losing one’s physical health.
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Having lost mine recently, I realise how important being healthy has been to my identity. Although I’ve led a healthy lifestyle, I wasn’t fanatical. I’m rubbish at sports and I’ve never even joined a gym.
 
But I walked. Far and fairly fast. I suppose, although I wasn’t obsessional, I liked the idea of overtaking people younger and longer legged than me.
 
So it’s a blow to find myself with a catalogue of ailments, including under-functioning kidneys, courtesy of an unspecified autoimmune disease. It’s not logical but, over and above the actual illness, I feel a sense of failure: as if auto means I’ve brought calamity on myself.
 
Sometimes I’m weary, sometimes I’m teary, but mostly I keep calm and carry on, because that’s what humans do. I swallow my pills and count myself lucky I’ve still got two kidneys. I’m lucky my concentration’s returning, I can meet people outdoors and I can walk reasonably well along the flat.
 
It’s great that I can stroll through fields to my hospital appointments, even if I have to tell Mr A to slow down. It’s great that, even if I were housebound, I could still have a life online. And there’s still a chance I’ll make a full recovery, even if it takes a while.
 
But I hate the thought of myself as constitutionally unhealthy. This isn’t supposed to happen to me. It feels unjust when I already had more than my fair share of sickness in my teens.
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None of the treatments or investigations is particularly gruelling. I don’t mind needles and neither the biopsy nor gastroscopy was as difficult as I feared. But I balk at the part that feels counterintuitive: I hate disturbing my body’s natural defences with immunosuppressant medication and I hate the diet that turns everything I’ve learnt about healthy eating on its head.
I’m pretty sure Charli didn’t have in mind my low-potassium diet when she asked for 99-word stories as sweet as cherries. But, having asked Mr A buy me some cherries at the weekend, that’s where the prompt took me. I hope it communicates the flavour of this crazy regime.
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Are cherries allowed on a low-potassium diet?

“What do you think of the food?” asked the dietician.

“It’s okay,” said Anne. “There’s plenty of it but it’s not very healthy. The vegetables have the flavour boiled out of them and the fruit is tinned.”

The dietician handed her a leaflet. “Let me explain the low potassium diet.”

No coffee, chocolate or bananas: she could handle that. But no stir-fry, roast or steaming without pre-boiling? No muesli, lentils or nuts? No beetroot, blackcurrants or tomatoes, would she have to compost the crop?

It’s summer and she fancies cherries. High or low potassium? They’re not on any list.
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Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you think. If you've enjoyed this post, you might like to sign up via the sidebar for regular email updates and/or my quarterly Newsletter.
14 Comments
Susan Osborne link
25/7/2022 06:07:33 pm

So sorry about your health problems, Anne. I hope you get a diagnosis soon. I was diagnosd with MS twenty years ago, also an autoimmune disease. I've been fortunate with it - it remains mild. I hope you find a way to come to terms with the change in your life. You seem to me to have a strong sense of who you are.

Reply
Anne Goodwin
26/7/2022 08:22:47 am

Thanks for sharing, Susan. MS is tough. I was out walking with a friend when she noticed her first symptoms. Little did we know what was coming. But, yeah, we adapt.

Reply
Colleen: Word Craft Poetry link
1/8/2022 12:53:01 pm

Anne, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling poorly. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and send some healing energy your way. ❤️

Reply
Anne
2/8/2022 09:03:48 am

Thank you, Colleen, I appreciate it.

Reply
Marje link
1/8/2022 01:38:40 pm

Hi Anne, I am so sorry to hear about your health problems. Must be tough. I hope you find a way to cope with your symptoms. Sending kind thoughts and healing wishes your way. Love, Marje x

Reply
Anne
2/8/2022 09:06:48 am

Thanks, Marje, it's tough indeed, but I'll cope. Hope you're enjoying the summer and found somewhere cool in those recent record temperatures.

Reply
Luccia link
1/8/2022 01:53:08 pm

Hi Anne! I'm so sorry to hear about your recent health problems. Life tends to throw unexpected challlenges our way. I hope your body can gradually adapt with the help of diet and medication and find its new balance. Humorous flash. It made me smile. I have the opposite problem of low potassium, so I have to eat everything you can't! I've just signed up to your mailing list.

Reply
Anne
2/8/2022 09:11:12 am

Thank you, yeah, this was certainly unexpected and, as my husband is older than me, I was more prepared for it being the other way around.
Ah, I envy you all that fruit and veg, but of course any kind of restriction is a pain, especially as it doesn't seem to follow any logic. Maybe we should get together like Jack Sprat and his wife!
And thanks for signing up. I hope you enjoy my emails.

Reply
Alex Craigie
3/8/2022 08:46:39 pm

I can't imagine how frustrating and worrying it must be, Anne. You mention that things might be improving a bit and so fingers crossed that you come through this - even if it feels impossible because of the time it's taking. I suppose you'd better follow the diet but a lot of my favourites are on that list! :)

Reply
Anne
4/8/2022 10:39:46 am

Thanks, Alex, it sure is a pain! But the blackberries are early this year, and still juicy despite the drought, and I can eat them even if I can't have blackcurrants.

Reply
Norah Colvin link
4/8/2022 11:51:16 am

Hi Anne,
I'm so sorry that you are so unwell and unable to do the things you've taken for granted for so much of your life, including eating all those banned foods. Yes, it makes your life topsy-turvy doesn't it, and your flash is brilliant, as usual, in showing it.
I hope your immune system does what it's supposed to do and stops attacking its generous host. Take care.

Reply
Anne
4/8/2022 03:48:10 pm

Thanks, Norah, I certainly hope so.

Reply
Nancy Brady link
4/8/2022 07:18:41 pm

I can't imagine what you are going through in regards to low potassium diet, Anne, but to have lost all the flavors especially cherries, what a shame. May your health improve, and may you once again get to indulge in foods of your choosing instead of the diet sheets. ~nan

Reply
Anne
7/8/2022 12:14:59 pm

Thanks, Nan, it's certainly the wrong time of year for this with all the summer fruits, but I can eat blackberries. But strange to be so obsessed with food ... and not for the taste.

Reply



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